Is it Christmas yet? / Mental games
Well, a couple of news today. Firstly, my trip is delayed till oct 13th because we're attending another fair but this trip will be slightly more than a week; possibly 10 days.
So I might have to find another to fill in the gap between now till mid-oct. Thats almost a whole month; Oh Gwad, if only I had the money!
Secondly, My class schedule is out! 3 day week; wed, thurs and fri. HA. I wonder what jol would say to that. :D I'm missing first week class but who really cares ehs?
Thirdly, I have my christmas off! My term ends on 22nd; which is such a blessing. I wonder what my parents would say if I decide to spend my christmas overseas? What will london christmas be like? :D
Here comes the not so good news.
I went back to psycho and well. I have anxiety problems. Its such terrifying thought to connect with your fear. Its scary as hell, I tell you. I haven't managed to but its about time soon before the same thing happens and I can't stop it.
Everysingle time I try to do that, to just start, the rest of the images will be pushed way back. I've been occupying my brain with things so as to not think about it. But sometimes when I'm not aware it creeps silently back without any warning scaring me out of my wits and then like a magic broom I sweep it all under the carpet like it doesn't exist. My goosebumps stands but I hide under my covers and pretend its a whole new world.
It takes hell lot of courage and I found out that maybe after all I dont have enough courage and wits to get through it. Maybe after all, I'm not as strong as I thought. To be weak is to fail so maybe I'm nearing the garbage dump I've been trying so hard to avoid all my life. Or even maybe, I've always been in it.
There is such a fine line to be not confident, confident and over confident. You could cross from being not confident to over confident and over confident to no confidence without even passsing by the medium. Its when you turn out of control and not being able to handle it.
I confess that I don't handle it well and and when it strikes. I try my best but its just not good enough. To be really good in controlling it I have to face it right in the face. I have to live through it in my mind a thousand times but sometimes its just too horrible to go through.
I don't exactly know what I'm saying but I just would like to tell you. If I don't pass it this time round it has nothing got to do with my skill or technical ability but rather my mental problems interferring.
Can ya'll understand that? Would ya'll not blame me if I dont? and even comfort me if I dont?
I don't know how many times I need to pass it. It might be even up to 10 times just because I cannot overcome this problem of mine that I have in my head. I'm sorry if I don't make it asap but I'm just gonna damn well try my best to fight against the demons in my head.
I can't tell you how fucking scary it is or how scared I actually really am. But I am. Such bold public acknowledgement of me being vulnerable, haha.
But no. Its not only scary because its there and you know you're waging a war. Not a physical internal battle with germs where you could sleep it off but one which youre awake and aware of every single second and not even knowing what the hell its gonna happen.
Its like playing chess blindfolded with yourself, with your second brain that you've got no control over. It makes me wonder who the hell is controlling my brain if I'm not the one doing it? Whats worse; you're fighting this alone. And that's the truly scary part.
So I might have to find another to fill in the gap between now till mid-oct. Thats almost a whole month; Oh Gwad, if only I had the money!
Secondly, My class schedule is out! 3 day week; wed, thurs and fri. HA. I wonder what jol would say to that. :D I'm missing first week class but who really cares ehs?
Thirdly, I have my christmas off! My term ends on 22nd; which is such a blessing. I wonder what my parents would say if I decide to spend my christmas overseas? What will london christmas be like? :D
Here comes the not so good news.
I went back to psycho and well. I have anxiety problems. Its such terrifying thought to connect with your fear. Its scary as hell, I tell you. I haven't managed to but its about time soon before the same thing happens and I can't stop it.
Everysingle time I try to do that, to just start, the rest of the images will be pushed way back. I've been occupying my brain with things so as to not think about it. But sometimes when I'm not aware it creeps silently back without any warning scaring me out of my wits and then like a magic broom I sweep it all under the carpet like it doesn't exist. My goosebumps stands but I hide under my covers and pretend its a whole new world.
It takes hell lot of courage and I found out that maybe after all I dont have enough courage and wits to get through it. Maybe after all, I'm not as strong as I thought. To be weak is to fail so maybe I'm nearing the garbage dump I've been trying so hard to avoid all my life. Or even maybe, I've always been in it.
There is such a fine line to be not confident, confident and over confident. You could cross from being not confident to over confident and over confident to no confidence without even passsing by the medium. Its when you turn out of control and not being able to handle it.
I confess that I don't handle it well and and when it strikes. I try my best but its just not good enough. To be really good in controlling it I have to face it right in the face. I have to live through it in my mind a thousand times but sometimes its just too horrible to go through.
I don't exactly know what I'm saying but I just would like to tell you. If I don't pass it this time round it has nothing got to do with my skill or technical ability but rather my mental problems interferring.
Can ya'll understand that? Would ya'll not blame me if I dont? and even comfort me if I dont?
I don't know how many times I need to pass it. It might be even up to 10 times just because I cannot overcome this problem of mine that I have in my head. I'm sorry if I don't make it asap but I'm just gonna damn well try my best to fight against the demons in my head.
I can't tell you how fucking scary it is or how scared I actually really am. But I am. Such bold public acknowledgement of me being vulnerable, haha.
But no. Its not only scary because its there and you know you're waging a war. Not a physical internal battle with germs where you could sleep it off but one which youre awake and aware of every single second and not even knowing what the hell its gonna happen.
Its like playing chess blindfolded with yourself, with your second brain that you've got no control over. It makes me wonder who the hell is controlling my brain if I'm not the one doing it? Whats worse; you're fighting this alone. And that's the truly scary part.
